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Deep Thought

Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible.
Thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit.
Thought is great and swift and free.

- Bertrand Russell

by Jack Handey

bulletI hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
bulletWhenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
bulletWhat is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?  And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
bulletInstead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
bulletDuring the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not butting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
bulletIf I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
bulletWhen I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
bulletHere's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody.  First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
bulletIf you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
bulletBroken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?
bulletIf you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
bulletIf you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?  Trust me, it's not.
bulletMost of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.  But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
bulletConsider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
bulletFor mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

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This page last updated on: Sunday, 18 January 2004

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