First Day of Class
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be true.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
- Jeff Stilson
50 Fun Things for Professors to Do
- Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
- After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
- After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "My pacemaker!"
- Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
- Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "You! What did I just say?"
- Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask
*me*, Winky Willy."
- If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr Smartypants?"
- Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
- Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the
- Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
- Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
- Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
- Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
- Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
- Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
- Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
- Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
- Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
- Address students as "worms".
- Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
- Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
- Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
- Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
- Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
- Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
- Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
- Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
- Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
- Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
- Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favourite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
- Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
- Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
- Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it,
"What'll be, McGee?"
- Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
- Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
- Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
- Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
- Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every 10 minutes.
- Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
- Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
- Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
- Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for
- Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
- Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
- Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"