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Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

- George Eliot

Humour is the most engaging cowardice.

- Robert Frost

bullet"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
bullet"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
bullet"I lost a button hole."
bullet"I was skydiving horizontally."
bullet"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys.  I started the house up, so I drove it around for a while.  I was speeding, and a policeman pulled me over.  He asked where I lived.  I said, 'right here, officer'."

bullet"I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it."
bullet"When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator practice."
bullet"I'm not afraid of heights.  I'm afraid of widths."
bullet"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
bullet"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.  When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."

bullet"I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries....but they weren't I had to buy them again."
bullet"I had a friend who was a clown... when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
bullet"I got a dog and named him `Stay'.  Now, I go `Come here, Stay!'  After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."
bullet"I spilled Spot Remover on my dog....Now he's gone."
bullet"In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.  Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.  Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, 'Cut it out'."

bullet"I have a map of the United States, it says scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.  I spent last summer folding it."
bullet"I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body -  only 2 inches taller."
bullet"I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age."
bullet"Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
bullet"My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments."

bullet"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighbourhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them."
bullet"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time.  I think I've forgotten this before."
bullet"I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."
bullet"I'm so hyper. " (said with a very dull voice)
bullet"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I said to the guy, 'Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that is travelling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.'  I said, 'I don't want your job.'"

bullet"Did you sleep well?"  "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
bullet"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
bullet"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
bullet"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
bullet"Doin' a little work around the house.  Putting hardwood floors over wall-to wall carpeting.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it ... it feels real.'"

bullet"What's another word for 'Thesaurus'?"
bullet"I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it."
bullet"I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart."
bullet"I once had some eyeglasses but I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
bullet"I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet store.  'Gimme another ten guppies I got a lotta calls yesterday.'"

bullet"I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.  'We're surrounded.'"
bullet"Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press?  I don't get it..."
bullet"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."
bullet"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.  I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
bullet"When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was a gunshot nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse."

bullet"My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them."
bullet"One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.  My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world."
bullet"I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
bullet"My school colours were clear.  I'm not naked.  I'm in the band."
bullet"I was watching the superbowl with my 92-year-old grandfather.  The team scored a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.  He thought they scored another one.  I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better."

bullet"It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused."
bullet"I wrote a few children's books .... not on purpose."
bullet"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it.  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'"
bullet"So, do you live around here often?"
bullet"I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?'  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.' "

bullet"When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.  I was an only child ... .eventually."
bullet(Referring to a glass of water:) "I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.  I don't trust anybody!"
bullet"I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything."
bullet"I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it."
bullet"When I was 8, I played little league.  I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across.  Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge."

bullet"I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat, so I looked closer.  it was made of grass."
bullet"The sun got confused about daylight savings.  It rose twice.  Everything had two shadows."
bullet"I took a baby shower."
bullet"I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by."
bullet"You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second?  I feel like that all the time..."

bullet"When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
bullet"The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me."
bullet"There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot."
bullet"I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it...."
bullet"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a  sweater real quick..."

bullet"When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station.  Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said."
bullet"I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I lay down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
bullet"If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?"
bullet"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
bullet"All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store...'"

bullet"Power outage at a department store yesterday.  Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
bullet"I like to reminisce with people I don't know"
bullet"I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit."
bullet"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."
bullet"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?'  I said, 'I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no five on it.'  He said, 'How long have you had it?'  I said, 'I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.'"

bullet"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  "He got pretty good - he could go under a rug..."
bullet"For a while I didn't have a car...I had a place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running..."
bullet"There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air..."
bullet"I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy..."
bullet"Last year we drove across the country.  We took turns on the driving, switching off every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."

bullet"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
bullet"The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.  Fred, Barney..."
bullet"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
bullet"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."
bullet"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'"

bullet"I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel."
bullet"I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks like I'm the only one moving."
bullet"I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done."
bullet"My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
bullet"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'  He said, 'Yeah, but not in a row.'"

bullet"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
bullet"I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic."
bullet"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
bulletMy neighbour has a circular driveway...he can't get out."
bullet"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."

bullet"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"
bullet"My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in 1912 ...  well, to make a long story short ... "
bullet"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
bullet"I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.  She said its 'Free With Purchase.'  I asked her if anyone bought anything today."
bullet"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

bullet"I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, 'I'm home now.  But leave a message and I'll call next time I'm out.'"
bullet"I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live above me are furious!"
bullet "My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.  I said, 'the whole time'."
bullet"Four years, it was yesterday."
bullet"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.'  I said, 'But I don't know how.'  She said, 'It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.'  So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and she said, 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'"

bullet"I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'"
bullet"A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better..."
bullet"I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one - it wasn't doing what I was doing."
bullet"Sometimes I...No, I don't."
bullet"I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger."

Source: Some of these are by Steven Wright, some are by Rod Schmidt, and some I have no idea.

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This page last updated on: Sunday, 18 January 2004

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